I should have expected this, but it surprised me. My ego, my “self” that always needs approval is not satisfied that I found a publisher and actually had the book published. Ego is never satisfied. Do more! It insists. Get more approval! If it could, it would force everyone it sees to buy the book. And like it, dammit! I know my ego well, having journeyed with it for many years now. I used to think it was me. I used to think it was a grown-up self, but it is just a child–after all, it acted like it knew everything and was just annoyed how others did not see that. I was following the lead of a deprived, confused child. Egos don’t grow up. Even if they have jobs and dive cars.
Addictions of all kinds and distorted perceptions keep us child-like. My ego is still grasping for approval; it’s painful to see that, but clear sight heals. Shame is the ego embarrassed to be seen. I heard a wise teacher say we must be vigilant gate-keepers at the door of the mind and I see how easily the ego-child slips in without my noticing. A true grown-up can discern what is true and false, is a protector of his or her own mind. A true grown-up might write a book, but doesn’t expect applause or results or recognition. The work is done. May it serve someone.