When we find ourselves in a mess, we might have the thought “This isn’t how life is supposed to be.” When life doesn’t fit our picture, we usually feel that something is wrong. But it is not so much that something is wrong as it is that we’re relating to life from the narrow, fear-based perspective of “I want.” —Ezra Bayda
A bright, quick wind blows a bank of white clouds across the sun. Light, shadow, light, shadow. The same wind takes a sudden turn, fills the clouds grey. Rain, chill, rain chill. And just as quickly the leaves on the magnolia tree shake off the drops and reflect the light, shadow, light. This has been repeating it self all day.
As have I. Light, shadow, tears, light. The changeable weather disturbs my equanimity. My lack of equanimity disturbs reality. Rain cools the room, close the windows, grab a sweatshirt. Ten minutes pass, Sun. Open the windows, take off the sweatshirt. Rain. Get under the covers and sleep the grey away. Sun streams from behind the curtain–get up. And go where? No choice seems right–a walk in sunlight or a drive under the rain clouds?
I turn this way, that. Go There? Or There? No place seems right. Intolerance for change, unease that cannot be calmed. The only certainty is Wanting. Attachment has caught up with me again. Attachment has me in its arms, insisting I Need.
To willingly reside in our distress, no longer resisting what is, is the real key to transformation. As painful as it may be to face our deepest fears, we do reach the point where it’s more painful not to face them. This is a pivotal point in the practice life.—Ezra Bayda
Attached to what I do not have, what I did not accomplish, who I did not love, who did not love me stops me in my tracks. No movement is possible; I am glued to What I Need. No change. Just this fixed point in a universe of flux. Resist. No changeable shadows, racing clouds–only staying in place. Looking out the window to not see. Going to the door to not leave.
Finally, it rains again. Tears. We all try so hard, for so long. Let it go. Let go to rain then chill. Let go to shadow then sun. Let. Go—a little rain never hurt anyone.
As a teacher, one of the things that I find out about students relatively early on is whether they are interested in the real thing—do they really want the truth, or do they actually just want to feel better? Because the process of finding the truth may not be a process by which we feel increasingly better and better. It may be a process by which we look at things honestly, sincerely, truthfully, and that may or may not be an easy thing to do. ▼—Adyashanti